Billy Mays and Bioshock
by Ender The Time Lady
Summary: Whilst traveling, Booker and Elizabeth encounter a mmysterious voice. Its purpose? To sell them crap they don't need! Remind you of anything? The product of an RP between me and SingularityUnit. Blatantly murders the timelines, and provides nonsensical lulz to all.


Infomercials as Related to the Multiverse Theory, by R. Lutece.

Disembodied Voice: HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A FANTASTIC NEW OFFER!

DV: THATS RIGHT FOLKS! I'VE RISEN FROM THE GRAVE, JUST TO BRING YOU THIS FANTASTIC NEW PRODUCT!

Booker: Damn, not this guy again. Elizabeth, close the tear, this isn't where we want to be!

DV: ARE YOU TIRED OF RANDOM FLYING BIRDS ATTACKING YOU WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM A FLYING CITY?

Booker: What the hell...?

DV: DO YOU WANT TO BRING SOME MYSTERIOUS TWINS THE GIRL AND WIPE AWAY THE DEBT?

DV: ARE YOU SICK OF HAVING YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE COLUMBIA THWARTED?

Booker: Look, I appreciate the offer but we've got places to be. I'm not interested.

DV: IF SO, YOU WANT TO BUY OUR FABULOUS NEW PRODUCT!

DV: OUR NEW ROBOTIC ELIZABETH COMES EQUIPPED WITH EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO FOOL YOUR PURSUERS!

DV: THROW IT AT SONGBIRD WHILE YOU RUN LIKE HELL!

Booker: Something tells me it's going to take more than a painted tin can to fool him.

DV: STUFF THE REAL ELIZABETH IN A VERY LARGE GYM BAG, WHILE GIVING THE ROBOT TO THE MYSTERIOUS TWINS!

Rosalind Lutece: An admirable effort.

Robert Lutece: But one doomed to failure.

DV: OR JUST GIVE AWAY THE REAL ELIZABETH, AND TAKE THE ROBOT TO PARIS!

Rosalind: He already tried.

DV: TAKE THAT BITCH TO PARIS!

Robert: Will try?

Rosalind: Is trying.

DV: BITCHES LOVE PARIS!

DV: BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

DV: BUY NOW AND YOU GET A FREE, ALL EXPENSES PAID VACATION TO RAPTURE, THE GLORIOUS UNDERWATER CITY!

DV :BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY THAT WILL EVER BACKFIRE HORRIBLY!

Booker: An underwater city?

Booker: That's ridiculous.

DV: LET'S HEAR FROM SOME OF OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS!

Jack: I have no idea what to do with this stupid-ass robot. BUT FOR GODS SAKE, RAPTURE IS FUCKING EVIL GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Booker: Real convincing.

DV: SHUT THE HELL UP JACK, YOU AREN'T HELPING.

DV: LET'S HEAR FROM SOMEONE ELSE, SHALL WE?

Delta: *WHALE NOISES*

DV: NO DELTA. JUST NO.

DV: UH...

DV: WHAT ABOUT ELEANOR?

Eleanor: Fuck my life.

DV: MOVING ON!

DV: BUT WAIT, THERE'S EVEN MORE!

Booker: Uh... Elizabeth, why are there two of you?

Booker: And why's the other one British?

Eleanor: Piss off.

DV: ELEANOR, YOU'RE DONE. GET OUT.

DV: CALL WITHIN THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUETS AND YOU GET A FREE CROWBAR!

DV: PROVEN AS THE ALL-PURPOSE WEAPON BY MANY APOCALYPSE SURVIVORS!

DV: LIKE GORDON FREEMAN! LET'S HEAR HIS OPINION ON THE CROWBAR!

Gordon: ...

Gordon: ...

Gordon: ...

DV: WOAH, GORDON, CALM DOWN THERE

DV: YOU'LL DEAFEN OUR GOOD CUSTOMER HERE!

DV: ANYWAYS, BUY TODAY! ONLY 20 EASY PAYMENTS OF 99.99!

Booker: Like hell I'm going to pay that.

DV: SHORT ON CASH? DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!

DV: ROBOTIC ELIZABETH CAN HELP YOU MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE!

DV: THAT'S RIGHT, ROBOT ELIZABETH IS CAPABLE OF FINDING YOU THE WORLDS MOST VALUBLE CURRENCY:

DV: 20 CENTS, A RUBBERBAND, TWO PAPERCLIPS, AND A COUPON TO SUBWAYS!

DV: JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE COUPON!

DV: BUY YOUR OWN LUNCH YOU DAMNED HOBO.

Elizabeth: Booker, I found some money!

Booker: Thanks.

DV: SO, DO YOU WANT TO BUY GOOD SIR?

Booker: Sorry. No takers. Elizabeth, let's get out of here.

DV: DAMMIT.

DV: ...MAYBE WE CAN SUCKER COMSTOCK IN TO BUYING ONE.

DV: WAIT.

DV: FUCK.

DV: THAT'S A NO.

Comstock: THY CROOK IS BENT AND THY PATH IS TWISTED

DV: HAH, SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

DV: AH, ALTERNATE UNIVERSE JOKES.

Booker: Elizabeth, we need a tear out of here right now!

DV: HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MYSTERIOUS TWINS?

DV: THEY'D FIND THIS SHIT FUNNY

Rosalind: Still here.

Robert: We always are.

DV: COME ON, IT WAS FUNNY

DV: ADMIT IT

Rosalind: Always will be, isn't it?

Robert: I don't think there's a difference.

Rosalind: A fair point.

DV: DAMN, YOUR TWINSPEAK IS SPOT ON.

DV: IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE THE SAME PERSON.

DV: SEE, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Rosalind: What do you see for this one, brother?

DV: MUCH AWESOMENESS

Robert: Dead.

DV: WAIT, WHAT?

Rosalind: Alive.

DV: YES!

DV: THANK YOU!

DV: I LIKE YOU!

Robert: It's all perspective.

DV: YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, CAN JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Rosalind: Why don't we ask him?

Robert: Heads?

Rosalind: Or tails?

DV: LIKE FUCK I'M CHOOSING.

DV: THIS SHIT BE RIGGED.

DV: UGH, FINE.

DV: HEADS.

DV: I REGRET THIS ALREADY

Robert: This one gets it right.

DV: REALLY?

Rosalind: I told you we'd find some variation.

Robert: No you didn't.

Rosalind: I was going to tell you.

Robert: But you didn't.

DV: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Rosalind: But I don't.

Elizabeth: The tear's ready, Booker!

Booker: Perfect timing!

DV: OH, YOU ASSHOLES ARE STILL HERE?

Booker: Let's get out of this place.

DV: AWWWW.

DV: BUT I LIKE YOUR FACE.

Booker: Get in line.

DV: IT'S VERY PRETTY.

DV: WANNA GO ON A DATE?

DV: C'MON, DISEMBODIED VOICES MAKE FANTASTIC DINNER.

Elizabeth: *closes tear*

DV: DAMMIT

DV: *SOBS*

DV: I'M SO ALONE.

Jeremiah Fink: Oh, relax, old boy. I see you've got a bright future... at FINKTON!

DV: YAY!

DV: *TURNS IN TO A POTATO*

DV: *ROLLS MAJESTICALLY IN TO THE SUNSET*

CAST

Ender the Time Lady: Disembodied Voice

Jack

Subject Delta

Eleanor

Gordon Freeman

SingularityUnit (Tumblr): Booker

Rosalind Lutece

Robert Lutece

Elizabeth

Jeremiah Fink


End file.
